you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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