You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
