you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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