I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
