Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
There's even glitter on my cock...
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