I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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