a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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