I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
