Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
