Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
birth control should be required to get into college
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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