Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
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