he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
