i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
