life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
