I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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