Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I met the friendliest cop last night
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
