My cat gives me a boner
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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