Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
