He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Randomize
