I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
