Walk of Shame. In a state park.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
