I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
