Where did you get a picture of my penis
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
