if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
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