i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
