I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
