we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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