He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
