She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
