dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
