My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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