Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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