I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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