so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
