Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
