u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
