The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Randomize
