i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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