In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
