Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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