I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
