did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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