So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
