We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
