Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
