So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
