Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
