so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
