I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
