I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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