If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
