My entire life is one complicated drinking game
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
