Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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