I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
