his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
