I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
